Silly Bedtime Story

** Inspired by the need to tell my baby a bedtime story and a couple of red pimples on her little butt **

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, a beautiful child was born. Sydney was what her parents named her. Sydney lived in the city of Q.A., sometimes known throughout the land as the City of Anals.


Our heroine
Sydney was no ordinary child. You see, Sydney was bestowed a supernatural gift when she was born. She had the gift of excrement. She was blessed with beauty and charm and had a powerful bladder and extraordinary colon. But she was cursed with a terrible diaper rash. This curse was conjured up by a powerful and unforgiving wizard, Pampers. Pampers was vengeful; he did not like to be wet or soiled or made to feel inadequate. One day, she accidentally defecated on Pampers with such force that caused him to leak. Pampers was infuriated and unleashed his terrible curse on Sydney. She became very irritable and cried all the time.

Sydney's mom and dad were very sad. They called on their friends and relatives for help. People came from far and wide to offer their assistance. Uncle Steve was first in line.

"I know just what to do. I have some cloth diapers that I have saved from my babysitting days. I'll just change her into them and, hopefully, it will break the curse," he suggested. He reached into his bag and brought out a cloth diaper.


Gasp! THE cloth diaper?
Sydney and her parents all gasped at the same time. Sydney's dad had heard of Uncle Steve's reputation for being frugal and practical. He feared that the diaper had been washed military-style, which meant using the same gallon of water that was used before for showering and saved. He shook his head sadly and said, "No, that won't do any good."

Aunt Cassandra offered, "I got it. I'll send her an e-card and some links to the World Wide Web. She will be amused and entertained. She will feel much, much better while we look for a cure for the curse. I can do some Internet searches, too."

Sydney's mom thought that it was a sweet gesture but it was not what Sydney needed. "We need to find a magic potion that would surely break the curse," she begged. "Someone do something."

Uncle Carl sprung into action. He got on his trusty Harley-Davidson and roamed the city for a magic potion. Aunt Sarah dashed to her laptop and hit the slot machines of the online casinos, hoping to raise money to buy the magic potion not knowing what price they would have to pay to obtain this potion if one should exist. Aunt Becky, who was visiting from nearby City of R.A., started organizing documents to plead the case for Sydney should a government inspection is needed. Aunt Joanne sent carrier pigeons out to notify all the local wizards that she is coming to audit them. She had to be sure that they were following good wizardry practices (GWP) while preparing their magical potions. Aunt Willistine got busy on her Blackberry, but no one really knew what she was doing. Aunt Beth, who had just lived in the adjacent city and had just arrived, got busy preparing a fresh batch of trail mix for everyone and organizing a picnic. Sydney had a lot of relatives.

Aunt Lisa wanted so much to help. She saw how miserable Sydney was. Sydney was wailing at the top of her lungs from the discomfort below. She broke into a song:

"I believe the children are our future ~~~~
Teach them well and let them lead the way ~~~~
Show them all the beauty they possess insiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide ~~~~"

Sydney stopped her crying and looked at Aunt Lisa. "Oh, that was just lovely," she said. "I DO feel better!!"


Oh, that was just lovely
Just then, Uncle Carl pulled up on his Harley. "BEHOLD!!" he held up a small tube and declared, "DESITIN !!!"

The crowd ooh'd and ahh'd as he approached Sydney's parents. They were so grateful and eagerly applied a small amount of the magic potion to Sydney's little red bottom. Everyone anxiously waited. Aunt Willistine's Blackberry was springing to life as news spread among the people about the Desitin. She was very busy typing replies.

Aunt Lisa continued in the background:
"Let the children's laughter ~~~~
Remind us how it used to beeeee ~~~~
The GREATEST love of ALLLLLLLL ~~~~"

"Shhhhhhhh," whispered Sydney's dad as he wrung his hands and just wanted to wait things out in silence. "Please let this work."

To the relief of everyone the redness subsided, and Sydney started smiling. "Hold me, Mommy!!!" she whispered. "I'm all better!"


I'm all better!!
The little white lotion had worked wonderfully. Pampers was watching from a distance and knew he had been beatened. He sulked away into a corner trashcan, feeling soggy and dejected. "Cursed. Foiled again." he mumbled.

Sydney and her parents lived happily ever after. They had hired a good wizard named Huggies and swore to always use Desitin with each diaper change if they started to see a little rash surfacing. Huggies kept watch over Sydney, working his magic to always accomodate Sydney's bowel movements and keep things in check. Pampers was banished to a local dumpster, never to be seen in Sydney's household again.

-THE END -

The Cast of thousands:
(By Order of Appearance)
Sydney as herself
DaddyEyeduck as Sydney's Daddy
MommyEyeduck as Sydney's Mommy
SS as Uncle Steve
CJ as Aunt Cassandra
CS as Uncle Carl
LLW as Aunt Lisa
BS as Aunt Becky
JA as Aunt Joanne
WL as Aunt Willistine
BB as Aunt Beth

Special Appearance:
Pampers as himself (the Terrible Wizard)
Huggies as himself (the Good Wizard)

Disclaimer: "The events depicted in this story are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental."

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What the critics said:

"I just read your blog and laughed my a-- off. It was SO funny. Only you could come up with something like that." - MommyEyeduck -

"Wingardium Leviosa!! I was flying high after reading this blog. Definitely better than Harry Potter stories!!" - Harry Potter -